Playing hide-and-seek with a baby

As the year mark of Abe's life, and my being a mom of two, approaches, I am hoping I can stop all of the hand-wringing that has gone on this past year and move forward into a more positive way of thinking about my approach to parenthood. I mean, chest-beating is only going to get me so far - the self-awareness of it, I appreciate. The residual (and perpetual) negativity, not so much.

So, coming off of an interrrrrminable day of having both kids home (Jonah has been running a fever for a few days), here's a bright spot from the day's events. Jonah spent a lot of time watching YouTube playlists of Sesame Street clips. A LOT. For a kid whose screen time is usually pretty severely limited, this was revelatory. When I decided that the glaze over his eyes was getting dangerous, I cut him off for a bit, and he decided he wanted to act out a particular Ernie and Bert sketch that fascinated him (though he likes to hide behind furniture to watch it, because the part where Bert finally gets out of the chair seems to scare him). He kept getting frustrated because I (Bert) would flub my lines because I hadn't watched the clip 8,000 TIMES. Plus, he seemed confused between tag and hide-and-seek. So, I suggested a game of hide-and-seek, which he enjoyed when he was 3, but we hadn't played in ages. It may seem ridiculous to play hide-and-seek in an 1100-square-foot apartment, but it is a hell of a lot of fun, especially with a 4 year old who is still not clear on how to be sneaky.

Abe was not napping at the time (his naps and sleep have gone to hell lately), so I took him with me when it was our turn to hide. I chose a classic spot: inside the bathtub, with the bathroom light off and the door closed. It took an insanely long time for Jonah to find us - he kept running right past the bathroom door. But the extra time I got to spend holding Abe was worth it. He wasn't a bit scared to be in my arms in the bathtub in the dark. Rather, he was totally thrilled by it and kept emitting happy shrieks (which Jonah kept trying to use to place us, but failing). It was the best thing he'd done all day, I think. When it came time to hunt for Jonah (who ran to his room to hide, slamming the door), it was such a delight to see Abe approach Jonah's bed and look at the odd lump under the blanket. I could see him trying to figure out what it was, as he stood up next to the bed. Then he pulled back a corner of blanket and LO! a foot! and then, a big brother! Cue screaming laughter!

I don't know if Abe understood what we were doing, but he did seem to sense this was FUN. And he does love his brother. I will choose to remember this from yesterday, and the half-hour I spent making cookies with Jonah, and the joy on his face when his entire class made a get well phone call. The rest of the day, the parts that made me look haggard beyond my years when Josh came home, can just piss off to obscurity.