Maternal aphasia: Week Nine

In a few minutes I head out for a checkup, as the bleeding seems to have gotten heavier over the past day. It is nothing dangerous, and might even just be the (very early, very unwelcome) return of my period. Perhaps more than you bargained on reading about by coming here, but that's where I'm at.

Abe is sleeping on my chest after having used me, yet again, as a human pacifier/sleep aid. I love it too much to stop him. But I will need to start encouraging him to get to sleep on his own, in his own bed, in the next couple weeks, if we're ever going to get back to "normal." His weight gain is slow, so I'm loath to deny him any chance at the breast, which will stimulate more milk production.

Jonah is mercurial and bursts into tears at the slightest provocation. The whining is unreal and hard to stop and even harder not to reward with a response to his requests. Yesterday he drove the people in the checkout line at the food coop nuts with a persistent, whined request for a bialy that I was not going to buy him, since he'd already carbo-loaded with goldfish crackers and it was closing in on dinner time. I stood my ground, but it really sucked.

I think the permanence of the change in our family has finally set in. He isn't crazy about it, most of the time. But then he'll notice Abe and get all excited: "His eyes are open! Look! Hey, big guy!" All delivered in the breathy baby-talk voice he mimics from me. I want to believe it's not 100% pandering to Mama, that he actually takes some small measure of interest in his baby brother.

And me? Most of the time I feel alright. Until I have to, you know, go dress shopping for an upcoming family event. Then I feel like a horrible, fat, bleeding whale. Not looking forward to seeing myself in the photos from that album.

But it is undeniably spring, I have a wonderful family, and the sun is hitting the ginkgo leaves out the window and making them look gold. It's all going to be fine.